11.11 I dont want to be perfect, I just want to be me again.

This is my first blog post in a while.

It’s 11.11am. I am sat at my computer in silence, drinking Green Tea with Ginseng, tapping away and procrastinating when I should be upstairs getting ready for work. But right now all i want to do is write this post. To you the reader who may be curious as to what I am about to say, and for me. I am just as curious.

It’s hard to look back at my old posts and read about the girl I was. I was so sure of myself and so full of energy and life and hope. Now I am merely a ghost of that girl. And why? Because of a fucking Happy Meal! I know – what  a joke. Well it shouldn’t be called a Happy Meal because I’m not very happy at all. So the story is..I was doing real well with my Veganism. But for some reason I started to feel the need to rebel. Against myself! I know its sounds so dumb. It is dumb. I started to resent the fact that I was unable to eat what I wanted. Actully no thats not the case entirely because truth be told I was never a fan of meat to begin with. How do I explain this? I’ve been trying not to think about it so it’s hard to write it down. I hated that I was making myself give up things. I didn’t like being told I couldn’t have something, even if I didn’t really want that something it was the principle of it , you know? So one day after weeks of obsessing i went to McDonalds and had a Happy Meal.  No fireworks went off, no orgasms or cries of joy. Itwas a burger nothing more nothing less. But that thrill of knowing that I shouldn’t have eaten it was addictive. So i went on a downward selfdestructive spiral of meat eating. Eating food I didnt like just because I told myself I could and that no one could stop me. I did it for the satisfaction of knowing their were no rules anymore. Well was it wrth it? FUCK NO! I am now back up to 156lbs! I am always tired, my migraines are back, my skin is bad and my mind is a whole other story. Yeah I am now in a place where I have no rules but I don’t feel free. I am now  a prisoner of my own greed and selfishness. I have no self control, no motivation , nothing. I desperately want to go back to who I was.

But it isn’t that simple. Not really. Because ok, eating vegan food is easy, once you source your ingredients and learn what to do with them, the food is great and it makes you look and feel great. Veganism is amazing for countless reasons. It’s getiing your head around it that is the hard work. Telling yourself you have to stay away from certain things. It’s like tellung a child not to touch that big red button. They want to touch it even  more when they shouldn’t. you know what I mean? I want to go back to Veganism but I dont feel mentally strong enough to fight with myself. On top of that I am terrified of failure. I fell so hard this time and am still trying to fin my way back up. Can i risk this again?

I supose i have no choice really. I can’t stay here forever. I need to atleast try. But I can’t make any promises. I can’t call myself a Vegan and put myself into that category with the people who are so sortong, so self asured, the ones who never relapse or fail. I can’t pretend to be one of those people. I am just me. I simply have the good intention, I am still trying to find the will power, the strength of mind and the determination to stick to it and say no to the devil as it were.

But now I’m writing it out it all seems clearer. I feel better for getting it out their and confessing it all. I feel better for letting myself admit that I failed.

I want to try again. I cant make promises and I can’t say I wont rebel but thats not the point. I am not trying to be prefect. I am just trying to be me again.

Thankyou so much for reading, i hope to update more =]

lots of love Magdalena Rhinehart. xx

ok im off to get ready for work! =]

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One Response to “11.11 I dont want to be perfect, I just want to be me again.”

  1. Jonny Says:

    Hey there, I jus got Twitter and I have no idea how to use it, but somehow I ended up sat in the bath Reading your blog. I’m not expecting you to care particularly, but jus thought I’d say I like you’re style, you seem genuine & down to earth, a bit hard on urself sometimes, but overall pretty cool x jus thought I’d let ya know, spread the love an all that – take care of yourself x

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